A Driven Purpose and a Purposeless Drive

A personal backstory to the 2019 Masters Tournament

With the Masters right around the corner, this story and reflection of the early roots as to “why” I am on a journey of a purposefull life is timely. It is important that both the book and this documentation on Substack drive me to be vulnerable and share the highs and lows of the journey. (Deep breath) So, let’s begin.

On April 14th 2019, Tiger Woods captured his 5th green jacket, eclipsing a comeback story that many thought had already peaked with his historic win at East Lake at the Tour Championship to wrap up the 2018 season.  Fans and critics both misjudged his ascension and instead were rewarded with another Tiger moment as he embraced his mother and kids behind the 18th green at Augusta National after the victory.

For the first time in nearly 20 years of attending The Masters, I decided to stick around for Sunday’s final round that year. Not only that, I was fortunate to have access to personally witness each golfer leave the clubhouse and head to the first tee. Those guys included Zack Johnson, Tony Finau, Francesco Molinari, and of course, Tiger Woods.

With each intense step of his stride, Tiger rolled by hundreds of people who each had their own life journeys that they had set aside as they anxiously waited to get a glimpse of his entry. But, one of those people he marched past was broken, defeated, exhausted and depressed. This person had endured a week of big dreams, big hospitality houses, big investment, and big risk. He was reeling from the result of a certain failure in attempting to take a career and agenda to the next level. Anxiety and depression had taken arms within his soul and was threatening to make sure that any positive capturing of the day’s outcome on the golf course would be forever damaged by the negativity that brewed inside.

Tiger exited the doors of the iconic Augusta National clubhouse and marched onward to the practice green just behind the 1st tee box. The space around him seemed to vibrate with anxious anticipation. I was mesmerized by an invisible but present vapor trail of hope and focus energizing the air with each confident stride. All those that witnessed his walk shared one unanimous thought: Tiger was about to do what Tiger does. Win. He was going to blast through the barrier of fear and discomfort that paralyzes us mortals. He was going to be methodical and intentional. He was going to make mistakes but not compound them. He was going to keep the leaders at striking distance. And as he would enter “amen corner,” he was going to remind the world that he was one of the greatest players to grace this sacred game.

When Tiger walked by, I saw a Leonardo DaVinci level masterpiece of confidence and comfort, beyond the level of any of the competitors who walked out of the door before him. And as he continued on and my eyes followed his path, I had one overpowering thought… “ROBERT, YOU DON’T BELONG HERE.”

What transpired inside the ropes of Augusta National that day was a perfect display of why golf matters and why we can all relate to the sport. Amen Corner’s quiet slayer of the golf immortals, the 12th hole “Golden Bell”, wreaked havoc on the leader board. As fear and discomfort consumed golf’s greatest jockeying for the 2019 green jacket, Tiger breezed through with a routine par and then began his attack on a course built to reward the risk taker. With a birdie at the 13th, he began a torrent, focused, and methodical attack on the competing field and the sacred course. But, not widely covered in the story of that day is that the tone and confidence for this move actually began on the 9th hole. 

Let’s go back to the first tee shots hit by the leaders on the first hole. Tiger Woods, Tony Finau, and Francesco Molinari had all teed off to begin their round. As the trio crested over the hill on the first hole toward the green and out of sight from the 1st tee box, I began a battle of my own. Although my anxiety had been fairly under control for a year or two, the magnitude and stress that came with my work that week brought a sudden, magnified and intense attack internally. I didn’t want to be there. I wanted to be home. I needed to be comfortable.

Every move from those around me was becoming more profound and agitating. There was a feeling of helplessness my external and internal levels of comfort imploded, creating a brutal combination of both fear and flight. I scanned my surroundings trying to find a place that I could get my composure. We had set up chairs at both the 9th and 18th greens which sit side-by-side at Augusta. I ventured over and found my friends and we sat as players came through the 9th.

As we watched the golfers come through, my mind took over and flashed memories of the week like a slide show that had malfunctioned and was going haywire and out of control. The week had created animosity with peers, partners, and family. A corporate group of 20 that we hosted at our rental house had not paid leaving my company in danger of serious debt. An event concept we created had underdelivered for a leading golf brand. We had overspent on food and beverages and had unused product that now had no value. With each group of golfers that came through the 9th hole, my thoughts became more and more intense. I was doing everything I could do to hang in there and get a fresh mental cleansing when Tiger arrived. He was only one group back. Could I make it?

As I mentioned, Tiger set the tone for his back nine performance on the green at the ninth. His approach shot left himself in an absolutely awful position. The ninth green at Augusta is designed to give golfers a zero margin for error approach with distance control. If you are short and hit the front of the green, you will end up 50 yards down the hill. Miss long and you have a shot that requires finesse that can only be delivered one out of 100 tries to keep it from either staying on the top shelf or rolling past the pin and back down the hill to that 50 year range I just mentioned. Tiger had missed long and his ball hung on the fringe leaving him a 60 foot putt back down to the hole. 

“The second shot at 9 is the most important thing. It's a tricky green. You're usually hitting from a downslope to an elevated green, which is never an easy thing. It's a green that is kind of sideways, angled from right to left. Your distance control on your second shot has to be spot-on. If you're on the wrong plateau, you're going to have a treacherous putt." -Sergio Garcia

I would not personally witness what would be one of the most overlooked and incredible shots in Masters history. As Tiger spent minutes scanning, analyzing, composing and executing a shot for the ages and leaving his ball an inch short of the hole, I was in a bathroom stall in the clubhouse. Broken. My head was in my hands as I sat in solitude on “the can” trying to get everything under control. I had just had a massive panic attack on the 9th green of Augusta National. 

I had retreated from our position on the front row of the green as Tiger was teeing off. So my time of solitude and mental struggle was maybe 10 minutes, but felt like an hour. It was the slow rising voice of thousands as Tiger’s shot from the fringe on the 9th green began its trek that got my attention. The inability to decipher a unified groan from a collective gasp of true amazement got my attention even more. I wasn’t sure what I was missing, but I knew that I was doing further harm by hiding in a bathroom stall. Through the panic attack I knew that there is only one acceptable way out. Get it together. Go smile, watch golf, and hang out with friends.  

My journey back to reality began with intentional steps out toward the course. One-by-one. As I got further from my comfort area of the bathroom, I embraced that little strike of confidence that gently reminded me of its presence. I felt the tension ease and my mind reengage in the moment.

We sat just a few rows above the back of the 18th green and listened to the roars from the valley below as Tiger began his march to victory. A birdie at 13, another one at the par 5 15th. On 16, Tiger missed a hole-in-one by inches, and swept in another birdie. After a par at the 17th, Tiger found himself 2 strokes clear of the field and we all knew, it was now all but final that Tiger had done the unthinkable.

Even his bogey at 18 seemed intentional. He took no chances. He missed the fairway to the right and instead of creating an unnecessary scenario with a risky second shot, he laid up short of the green. Now, he just needed to knock it on from a short distance and two-putt for the victory. Mission accomplished.

I look back at these two humans simultaneously telling two completely different stories. There is one inevitable and honest conclusion I can now state:

One life was being driven by a defined purpose. The other was leading a purposeless drive to an undefined expectation of success.

It would take another year for me to begin seeing that my career path and ambitions were broken. It took a pandemic that literally stopped the world accompanied with a personal tragedy in April of 2020 to construct a path toward redemption and course correction that is still moving in the right direction today.

The experience from that day to this post hasn’t been easy. It has had me operate in a constant space of discomfort. But like everything else in life that needs to be achieved, one can’t underestimate the power of repetition. I found my purpose in late 2020. While in the arena of being uncomfortable, instead of buckling to the fears, setbacks, and voices of doubt, I have stared down the challenge and have taken it head on. I have done so over and over again in the past 2 years, gaining experience and knowledge with each rep. During that time, it has slowly given me the gift to believe.

I compare my journey from 2020 to today to Tiger’s final round that day in Augusta. I am proud to suggest that I am presently sitting on the 12th tee. Up to this point has been methodical with a few mistakes but also a few big saves. Through a clear purpose and a new look at what I will use as a measurement of success, I am confident and ready to finish the round in the same manner that Tiger finished in 2019. I am going to blast through the barrier of fear and discomfort that paralyzed me in the past. I am going to be methodical and intentional. I know that I am going to make mistakes but will work hard not to compound them. I will keep my vision at striking distance.

I look at the image below and know that the person circled had a pretty tough day. But anyone that has dealt with anxiety would know, it was a small victory to be able to refocus on the day and witness history. If even for a brief moment, all that was weighing on me was forgotten and every emotion and thought instead went to the man in red.

I was incredibly moved by what I witnessed that day and wrote and article that was published in the Greensboro News-Record:

READ ARTICLE HERE